Asking the right questions:
We have the big picture, a big unattainable goal that floats just out of our reach. We see others succeeding; we know what we need to do. Yet, for some reason, we are not doing those things, not taking that action. Why? Why do we procrastinate and get in our own way? Knowing what to do, but not doing it is a harmless activity that will get you precisely nowhere. Many of us do this, for years even.
. . . . . . .
On my seventeenth birthday, I was offered driving lessons. I chose to decline. This was a decision I came to regret for many years, and the longer I left it, the harder it became. Yes, I was safe; nothing terrible happened to me and I relied on lifts, public transport, and those most reliable of vehicles – my legs.
However, my inability to drive built and solidified certain barriers that prevented me from taking full control of my life. Certain jobs were out of the question; always being at the mercy of buses, or people to drive me, was at best frustrating, at worst, disempowering.
Someone else will drive that car …
Eventually I learned to drive, although it took many lessons, a few fails, and moments of anxiety and sheer terror during tests. One such moment of meltdown was when, in the middle of a ‘turn in the road’, my foot starting visibly shaking as if it were possessed. No amount of cajoling or swearing would make it see reason. It was the weirdest sensation to be unable to control my movements. It calmed down and no person was injured, thankfully. I upped my ‘calming meditation’ sessions and continued with the lessons. Was it worth it? Absolutely.
I have not become one of those excellent super drivers and I still avoid big motorways, but most of the time, I can go wherever I please without being beholden to anyone. Freedom came at a price, it came with discomfort, and most certainly with a few fails. Once I had set my mind to doing this thing, I persevered without asking anyone else: ‘how long did it take you to learn to drive?’ This was my journey, and I was in charge of the timetable.
Why did it take me so long? Fear, inner Critic, self-doubt, anxiety over taking control? How do we move on from this stuckness? Before moving on, I would suggest addressing the why? This work encourages you to search for answers that lie just outside the realms of daily consciousness, and address the root of the problem, rather than the superficial. For example, you have an idea to start a podcast. Great! What do you need? I don’t know, it’s all too overwhelming, I probably won’t bother really; it was just a nice idea. You know that you need to research what equipment you need, how to record and upload it. You realise that you need to build an audience and establish a platform otherwise, who will know about it and who will listen? You could really do with reaching out to others who have recently started podcasts, and ask them how they did it? How they started? Who did they learn from?
The first logical step would be to reach out to someone you know and or admire and ask some questions. This appears to be an impossible task, because you are busy, you have family matters to attend to, you do not have spare money for the right gear, or for the courses to teach you how to use it. You feel strange reaching out to people, they will think you are cheeky, or wasting their (or your own) time, they will ignore you and maybe even laugh behind your back. Monkey mind and inner critic have a party in your head.
Becoming Unstuck: where to start?
What if you ended that reckless party and embraced your calm, your slow, your silence? This is where the journal comes out (you knew this was coming), and you start writing; your heading is ‘Why?’. Why am I really not doing xyz, which I know would move me a step forward towards my dream?
Here is an exercise that might help if you are struggling with this:
- Think of something that you have been meaning to do for a while but have not yet started.
- Go back a week, a month, depending on whether your ‘thing’ is a weekly activity like a spin session or something you would ideally do daily, or a one-off thing that you keep delaying.
- Then write a reason for each day, or week, why you did not do what you had been planning. If you cannot remember, start today, and each day either do the ‘thing’ or write down why you did not do it.
- When you have a list of reasons for each day, see if there is a common theme or narrative? Are you looking at a list of excuses, avoidance tactics, or uncertainty? Go deeper, and unpack that theme, each time questioning yourself further. Why is there always something more important than this action you could take to enhance your life?
- Have past situations or people played a part in today’s insecurities? Or are you simply your own worst critic? Understanding this, helps you to unpick the loose threads of negative voices and smooth the fabric of your own worth.
In her book Playing Big, Tara Mohl discusses that ‘each of our fears is rooted in an experience we had at a specific chronological age.’ She invites us to ask ourselves ‘How old does this afraid part of myself feel?’ and then ‘What are you really afraid of here? … What do you need?’
“If you do not understand the nature of fear, you will never find fearlessness.”
If you feel that you will not measure up to your own expectations, be kind to yourself. You may be clinging on to lies about your abilities because that is safer: if you allow yourself to acknowledge positive truths about your potential, you simultaneously risk experiencing the shame of failure if things do not go to plan. So we step back and stay in that safe place. Often, we are our harshest judge and jury, but please hear that someone else will drive that car and have that amazing trip, regardless of whether or not we put the key in the ignition.
Journal your feelings
Really write, even when you believe you have thought everything through in your mind, even when you think you have run out of words, even if your mind wanders and you start to rant on the page about the Government or the state of your child’s bedroom. Keep going and let your story unravel.
“One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star”
If you cannot, or will not journal, make a list next time you write your shopping list. Scribble down, (whilst you’re at it) a list of reasons why you are not getting around to doing something that you feel you want to do. Then think of the items on your list as you go about your daily life, walk, chores and shower. Your subconscious will work on this whilst you deal with mundane tasks.
In the above podcast example you may have found that there was no justification for the myriad of reasons you presented; in reality, you had never succeeded in anything so public before, and when you had tried to be more vocal whilst growing up, you had been ridiculed. A part of you is keeping you safe from that experience of hurt again. You do not feel able to handle it.
On the other hand, you may discover that you do not want to start a podcast after all. What enticed you to the idea in the first place was that you had skills, experiences, or a message that you were keen to share with others. You realize that you are more confident with the written word and you start to pursue the idea of starting a blog, or writing a book? Or you would rather work with people on a one-to-one basis by offering coaching?
In a nutshell
Why do we procrastinate about doing the things that will take us forward in our lives? We present ourselves with numerous reasons and explanations that absolve us from taking action, and we remain stuck; stuck but safe.
Before we can learn how to progress, we must address the why? Why have I not taken this step/these steps that would bring me closer to my dream? Often the monkey mind and inner-critic form such a powerful double act, that they drown out the answers that lie within us. We are often happy to allow them to play because it keeps us safe. We avoid the discomfort of facing possible failures, falls and shame that come with pushing through our insecurities.
Our insecurities may have come from our past experiences, or harsh judgements of ourselves, but either way, we can start to heal by asking the difficult questions and asking repeatedly why. What am I afraid of? What is holding me back? When we journal through what comes up for us, we meet our raw naked selves. We realise what we are dealing with, and can begin to challenge our current thought processes. This is where the beautiful seeds of hope and possibility are sown.
I hope you have found this post helpful or interesting. If you have anything further to add to this conversation, please comment below, and share with anyone you think might enjoy it. Now go and live your stories, gently xx