How To Build Resilience In The Face Of Rejection And Why This Matters

How gratitude builds resilience, and resilience builds happiness

Believe me, there will always be critics, hovering, waiting for an opportunity to strike. You will face rejection; your writing will not be accepted; your project is given to somebody else; your painting is still waiting for a home; no one is eating your cake.

There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing
- Aristotle

Rejection

Rejections are gifts if you accept and embrace them as such. They will be your catalyst for progress; you build resilience and determination, and you learn from mistakes. You improve, you do better. You keep trying because you want this dream. You have started to breathe the essence of it and it fills you until it permeates your cells, and you believe that writer, artist, teacher, entrepreneur … is a part of your DNA.

Rejection will be both direct and indirect. At best, it will be functional and impersonal, at worst, loaded, with sharp edges and used as a means of control. You may face criticism and rejection, you may be ignored; silence is not always golden; do not let any of this envelop you in a cloud of anxiety that leads you to question yourself.

Then there is the non-constructive criticism and rejection. Advice to ‘just ignore it’ is at best unhelpful, at worst dismissive.

Ego resilience is the ability to adapt to and cope with external stresses. Research shows that learning to pay attention to moments of joy strengthens your ego resilience and builds your ability to grow as a person. This neatly leads to a happier and more fulfilling life, and it becomes a cyclical process.

To build resilience, a strategy of mindfulness is required; that strategy incorporates:

1. knowledge and

2. action.

1. Knowledge

Self-awareness

You’ve started to find your way and you are finally discovering more about yourself. You have considered what you want to do in life, how you would like your story to unfold. You know there is something you enjoy, something for which you have some aptitude or potential for, and you quietly go about pursuing your ‘thing’. Along the way, you see glimpses of small successes, snippets of validation, and perhaps a little recognition by those who are further along the path that you are following.

Catch those moments and hold them close; they will nourish you, motivate you and lift your spirits when your inner or outer critics are lurking. Hold these moments so close, that negativity cannot push through them. Feel gratitude.

How can resilience bring about happiness?

Not only does practising gratitude protect you from any feelings of resentment, failure, and self-deprecation, but it also softens any blows from external negativity towards you. This, in turn, promotes resilience, thus enabling you to pursue your goals with a sense of purpose. Research shows that people with resilience are generally happier and that positive emotions build ego resilience.

This idea that positive emotions and resilience build on each other reinforces the ideas in the book Resilient by Dr Rick Hanson. The author discusses how it is in our best interests to create positive experiences. In this way, we become more resilient and able to deal with life’s challenges, whilst developing our confidence to pursue a happier life on our terms.

“Oxytocin production is controlled by a positive feedback mechanism” and we know that oxytocin plays an important role in social interactions and behaviour; it may also have a positive impact on anxiety, addiction and stress.

The takeaway here is that it is in our best interests to actively pursue happiness by focussing on moments of joy, positive interactions, and practising gratitude. This helps to build resilience.

2. Action

Make your Treasure Chest

You have explored, experimented, and invested enough by now to realise that your answers reside within you. You have acquired knowledge about yourself. You have acquired knowledge about the role that positivity, gratitude and happiness play, in building ego resilience. You have learned how that promotes future happiness, by reading this far.

All wins — positive reviews, praise, accomplishments, testimonies, sales figures — are positive warm moments of what I call ‘treasures’. They too deserve a space among your statements of gratitude. Collect and place them all in your gratitude journal, notebook, or book of compliments, which I refer to as My Treasure Chest. Include any positive affirmations and quotes you encounter.

Gratitude

Every week write a statement of gratitude. This should be easy at first, but as time goes on, you dig deeper to go beyond the I’m grateful for my family, friends, roof, health, and income. I am aware that some people advocate a daily gratitude writing practice; if that works, then go ahead. I feel that if you try to do this daily, it could start to feel forced. When you struggle to think of something new, it could become counterproductive and detrimental to your levels of happiness. You could, of course, open up your Treasure Chest and pull out something to be grateful for.

Embracing gratitude is like filling your resilience tank. Whilst positive moments inspire you to move forward with resolve, kindness from others places wings on your shoulders and you fly that little bit further, and that little bit higher.

Regrettably, often our inner critic filters out kindness and praise. That is why I urge you to capture all that is good in your Treasure Chest notebook. Fill it with your statements of gratitude, positive affirmations, inspirational quotes that speak to you, supportive messages from others, and encouraging testimonials.

Imagine holding this beautiful notebook singing with positivity and love. You could open it on any page when you need uplifting, and gorgeous words will rise-up from the page and shower you with love. That little Treasure Chest notebook represents reality: every note of encouragement, or inspiring quote, and every statement of gratitude — these are what sparked the embers of your creativity, and the wild, vibrant, and emerging you.

You may like to follow the playful suggestions offered by Jacqueline Pirtle in 365 Days of Happiness. Read my review here.

Gentle resilience is stronger

Resilience is hard, but its most powerful presence emerges from reflection, from gentle strength, and from a well of internal wisdom. Gentle resilience is what keeps you searching for that crack of light, that beam of promise that just peeps from a door left ajar; this is a beam of choice. It could become another closure, a beam extinguished — Bam! Back to the beginning, back to your place of safety, confinement … or …

You pounce! Push that door open with your whole heart and soul, and embrace the melting rivers of warm, light potential; possibilities flowing with inspiration. For me, September is a refreshing month after the lazy days of summer, and my motivation surges upwards, just before my mind settles into ‘wintering’.

The most powerful things are invisible: a breath, a song, an unshed tear, silence …… also, your potential, your resilience, and your emerging story

In summary

The main takeaway is that to build your resilience against rejection, criticism, and lack of support, there are two main strategies:

Knowledge — Know yourself and what you want to achieve; know your how and your why. Know the relationship between joy, accomplishments, gratitude, and resilience.
Action — Actively seek to be grateful, happy and mindful of your successes. Keep a Treasure Chest notebook to record these, along with testimonials and positive affirmations. Refer to this often to boost your levels of happiness, mental strength and resilience.

I used to see closed doors as messages to stop, give up, ‘it’s not for you. Now? Now I see them as either cheeky challenges, or messages — to keep looking; keep trying; not all the doors are ‘locked’ — sometimes you simply need to turn the handle.

And remember, the most powerful things are invisible: a breath, a song, an unshed tear, silence … also, your potential, your resilience, and your emerging story.

Thank you for reading. I hope this encourages you to collect every positive quote, feedback, or comments that comes your way? I have tales of my meanderings and I share what I find. If you would like to join me on my Gentle Stories of Discovery, I would be honoured to welcome you into the pages of my emerging story.