You got it wrong? … try again

(if you got it right! Well done … stay as you are!)

That’s it. You’ve reached midlife, and who knows when that began exactly? The logical conclusion would be that you know yourself, you have found yourself, and you have got your sh&t together. What a neat little package that would be indeed.

Here’s the thing; whether or not you have lived a neat life of piano lessons, completed homeworks and married the rather handsome but boring accountant, or you pogoed your way through the eighties and rocked up to work regularly wearing the previous nights outfit, a happy ever after with bouncing bunny rabbits is not guaranteed. You do not, however, know this until you actually reach that ambiguous age of midlifeteen.

Now is when you can take stock and make some serious decisions and amendments to your life. I promise you; these will not be on par with the idealistic dreams of your twenties. These will be peppered with realism, WTF let’s do itism, and still no expected guarantee of success. However, this does not matter. Herein lies the beauty in anything you decide to pursue from now onwards.

Upon realising that whatever you do, could end up in a giant pile of the steaming you know what, you are more likely to take the leap and explore new territories. Some of these you may have previously disregarded due to fear, others’ expectations or misguided righteousness. Consequently, you decide to ditch the green pond sludge, otherwise known as ‘breakfast’, the cramp inducing yoga and gluten-free water; it all gave you bad wind anyway.

Instead, you start painting, or knitting, or crafting thimble holders. Interestingly, you find yourself so busily immersed in your new found passion, that your mental health is dancing a happy jig, you forgot to eat so your stomach is like a washboard, and your self-esteem no longer has to endure the sag of shame when you see your belly droop southwards during ‘downward dog’.

Oh, the things you can now do! Forget chucking out the chintz lady … you can now ditch the strings; Spanx are far more comfortable and hold things together more efficiently (see above re downward dog situation). Traversing the earth with a permanent wedgie is nobody’s idea of fun, and the permanent grimace never worked well for me in the making friends and influencing people arena anyway.

The recipe for homemade ravioli is a soul-destroying waste of time. If like me, you’ve grown up in a household where quality food was always made from scratch, and anything convenient was for emergencies or occasional CBA moments, you will flinch. But believe me, Waitrose do it sooo well, why on earth would you try to compete? Let us not fight battles we have no chance of winning. Throw the packet away, sprinkle some basil over it followed by a dollop of olive oil; no one will be any wiser! Save the culinary artistry for special occasions, or when you can be ar….d.

Crochet, pottery, macramé, watercolour, walking through meadows … these are all fashionable pursuits. Yes indeed. You can legitimately get away with doing slow, old people stuff, and pass off as being youthful, hygge, and totally on-trend. Winner! It is acceptable now to take it easy without having to explain about the dodgy knee or worry about the dentures falling out (see previous reference to downward dog situation).

Annoyingly, many ladies in midlife start to become invisible.

Thankfully, many ladies in midlife start to become invisible.

What does this mean you contradictory baffoon? Well ….

It is time to pursue things you may never have attempted before. Perhaps you yearn to appear on Strictly? Or start a new business? Or volunteer? It genuinely does not matter, because, if you succeed, a few people will notice you and congratulate you (your nan and your BFF).  If you fail ….. No one is looking at you anyway! No shame, no guilt, and no surreptitious adjustment of Spanx ….. (or strings if you are a persistent rebel).

I hope you enjoyed this short little vignette on midlife brain meanderings. Feel free to share the self-ridicule with anyone who might appreciate it. None of this is intended to diagnose or treat any midlife symptoms, whether self-imposed or not, so if the Spanx snaps,… I know nothing!